Hopefully you have your own office… with a closed door! #thestruggleisreal #ladyproblems #longhairproblems
Photo Credit: Hello I’m Nik
If I Die
Let me make this clear, NO this is NOT a cry for help. I just like planning. That includes talking about and planning for my inevitable trip to that great cat cafe in the sky (hey, you have your version of heaven, let me have mine!).
If you’re tasked with planning my funeral, that sucks. It must be like planning a wedding but worse because of all the sad and awful. Sorry you got stuck with the short end of the stick, m’dear. Here, this should make it easier(ish) for you. I present you with my LAST Buzzfeed article, How to Plan My Funeral in 14 Easy Steps:
- No one is allowed to wear black. (Well, my mom can wear whatever she wants because she definitely took one for the team popping me out. But, other than that, no exceptions!) My peeps should wear only bright colors or the weirdest clothes (feather boas, fake fur, tutus). Think Burning Man meets Candy Land. Sequins are also very much appreciated.
- Please play ’80s and/or ’90s music. If anyone even THINKS about a pipe organ, I’ll know, and I’ll haunt them.
- Y’all are welcome to tell stories about how great I was (or wasn’t. I don’t know what old me is all about, but I’m sure she can be a jerkface sometimes!) but there’s no pressure. Short and sweet is just fine.
- Everyone gets a goody bag upon leaving. It will include Journeys Greatest Hits, the Kitten Lady book on how to save li’l felines and colorful knee socks (or something similarly quirky). You can decide.
- There should be condoms with funny slogans on them for free in the bathroom. I hope this will scandalize half the attendees and encourage the other half to have safe sex.
- I don’t plan on having an open bar at my wedding, but y’all, seriously, if I’m dead, please feel free to use my money to get plastered at my funeral. All I ask is that everyone takes Uber home and that drinks include: Dark and Stormies, Amaretto Sours, Russian Mules and Piña Coladas. There must also be a frozen margarita machine. That last one is non-negotiable.
- There should also be cake. REALLY GOOD CAKE. And vegan and gluten-free options. Be considerate, funeral planner!
- Someone has to give a PSA about menstrual cups, IUDs, male birth control (because that shit should be a THING by the time I die!) and the benefits of going braless. If you’d like to throw in some talk about how to be a good ally/not a sexist asshole, that’d be cool, too.
- Please read this eulogy.
- I really don’t want a tombstone ’cause I’d like my organs to go to people in need and my body to be donated to SCIENCE! But, if it’ll make the family happy, please turn the tombstone into a stone bench and table. I’m going for a picnic table vibe. And you must picnic on said table. Preferably on Dia de Los Muertos. Please have something odd and unsettling inscribed on the table along with my name, date of birth/death. If it turns out I can’t haunt people specifically, I want the table to do the job en masse. P.S. Please add a QR code ’cause that’d be amazing!
- No flowers. My Significant Other is allergic, and the poor guy is going to be having a rough go of it anyway without having to deal with coughing and sneezing. Instead of all that, everyone should donate money to Planned Parenthood or (here’s looking at you, conservative family members) the ACLU. C’mon, I’m dead, just do me this last kindness, yeah? It won’t KILL you! (Just a little gallows humor from the grave.)
- My obituary should be exceptionally well written considering I have about a billion writer friends so NO PRESSURE. Please make sure all or at least some of it is in haiku format. Thanks.
- To end the funeral, please have Señora May read this poem ’cause we simpatico like that. Then, everyone must sing Bohemian Rhapsody with as much emotion as possible, preferably out of key.
- And, finally, if you wanted to rent a dinosaur bouncy house and offer childcare for funeral attendees, I’ll put in a good word for you with whomever is in charge of this whole “life” thing. I know all of you, and y’all could use the bump in karma points! Think about it.
xoxoM
Photo Credit: Billy Huynh
it’s not cool to be poor anymore
please note: this post is all lowercase because i can’t afford uppercase. priorities, y’all.
this year, i’m turning 30.
i won’t miss much about my 20s. it’s been a minute since i last “partied,” and i can’t say i’m choked up about my inability to process more than one glass of wine. the college-aged crowd is welcome to take my place at the beer pong table while I head to bed at 9:30. peace. out.
i’m pretty sure i’ve actually been 30 for about 15 years, and i’ve spent all this time waiting for my body to catch up. my idea of a fabulous friday night has always been somewhere along the lines of binge-watching grey’s anatomy while eating copious amounts of pretzels dipped in peanut butter.
i hate bars. dating. roommates. house parties. “finding” yourself. basically all things that make your 20s, well, your 20s. but, i am pretty devastated about one tiny detail:
it’s not cool to be poor anymore.
remember when, if you were rich, you were kind of a jerk? like, if you couldn’t complain about your crushing student debt on the daily, you weren’t part of the “it” crowd?
remember when talking about vacations in xyz fancy-ass country was kind of a dick move? like, when going to florida for spring break was a big deal? now people take legit vacations and stay in hotels for chrissakes. (when did we start staying in hotels?!)
people in their 30s own real watches (and they didn’t buy them from target)! people in their 30s order wine at dinner—and not just the cheap house wine either. these folks have fancy gadgets that come in apple’s sleek packaging, loft apartments in parts of new york i’ve never even visited, and their furniture is not exclusively ikea/craigslist. what is my world coming to?!
and, if you’re rolling your eyes, i get it. i wouldn’t use “destitute” to describe my financial situation—even by a 30-year-old’s standards. the word “poor” comes to mind, but that’s not true either. perhaps, “monetarily unstable” is the more suitable term. as a freelance journalist, i make enough (look, y’all, i splurged for italics!), but not nearly as much as i’d like. everyone told us millennials to find our “passion” and, unfortunately, nobody mentioned i should consider take-home salary when i went searching. i blame overly supportive parents. *hi, mom! thanks sooo much for believing in me!
when being poor was cool, i truly rocked it. i remember:
- doing my makeup solely with makeup samples
- ordering the cheapest beer on tap
- living with three roommates and their cats, dogs, ferrets (once)
- smuggling in twizzlers, diet coke and tiny bottles of vodka into movie theaters
- couch surfing
- when my body could handle breakfastlunchdinner ramen without shooting my blood pressure through the roof from excessive sodium
- wearing the same dress to three weddings
- wearing the same shoes until they fell apart
- bottomless brunches at the red derby, and just sitting there for five hours like a jerk
- not tipping nearly enough (i know, i know, i was a booface in my 20s!)
- walking around with a broken android screen because a new one was too expensive and my contract wasn’t up
- living in a walk-in closet
- buying dented cans to get the discount
- sleeping on an air mattress on the floor until the day i moved in with my (older) significant other
with the big 3-0 fast approaching, i’ve decided to woman-up. it’s time to start paying for netflix* instead of mooching off my parents. it’s high time i order that headboard. time to get off the “family” plan on my cell phone. i’m ready to buy a wallet that doesn’t have hello kitty on it. and the second-cheapest beer on tap. and healthy groceries. and a watch.
AND CAPITAL LETTERS, BOOYAAAA! This is 30, folks.
*(Just kidding, Mom, I’m totally gonna mooch off your Netflix forever. Love you.)
Photo Credit: Fabian Blank
The Do’s and Don’ts of Starting a Passion Project
My passion project is DiverseSources.org, a database of underrepresented experts in science, health and the environment that addresses the lack of diverse perspectives cited in news articles. The database is searchable by expertise, language, location, time zone and other fields to help journalists more easily find potential sources.
I co-founded Diverse Sources so I could work with news organizations to increase the diversity in their sourcing. I provide training and consulting to reporters so they can find more relevant stories and better report those stories.
But all of this didn’t happen overnight. It’s taken years of preparation and hard work to get this far. That’s because passion projects are a lot of work. If you’ve got a passion project in mind but just don’t know how to get going, here are my tips:
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Top Things to do in Kauai, According to my Friends
The Significant Other and I loved Kauai. We had grand plans to do ALL THE THINGS, but (partially due to mudslides and partially due to our own exhaustion) we wound up doing nothing. And, you know what? It was AMAZING.
I’d highly recommend doing nothing. Maybe snorkel at Lawaii Beach or take a short hike to Secret Beach to watch the sunrise. Definitely eat Mexican food at Da Crack, Thai food at Craving Thai and grab some Kombucha at Kauai Juice Company (recycle your bottles for 50 cents off!). For coffee, check out Lappert’s. For açaí bowls and poke, go to Kukuiula Market. Other than that, relax, and enjoy the Garden Island.
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Just Living That Zombie Life
Sometimes we like to dress up as zombies and go grocery shopping. Wait, but what do you do on a Friday night?
Best Free iPhone Games for Calming Anxiety and Relaxing
Stress and anxiety suck, big time, and they always seem to strike hardest when you need to be at your best. While it’s usually smart to address the issues at the root of your stress/anxiety, sometimes we all just need a quick way to relax and calm down. These are all free game apps that I find helpful when in a pinch. My research comes from personal experience and sites like Gizmodo and Mic.
Calm
OK, so Calm is not really a game—it’s a meditation app. The premium content comes at a cost, but there are lots of shorter meditation practices (10 minutes) that are free. The app will walk you through meditation specifically for stress, and there’s no experience required. I love this app more than others like Headspace because I swear it can read my mind. Every time I catch myself thinking “jeeze, I’m SO awful at meditating,” the app will reply “and if you think you’re bad at meditating, there’s no such thing.” How’s THAT for an awesome way to combat stress AND self-criticism?
Neko Atsume
This game is absolutely wonderful because it involves CATS! Everyone starts out with a yard that you can then fill with toys and treats. Cats will wander in and out of the yard as they please (because cats). You can read up on each cat and take pictures of them being pixelatedly adorable. Up your game by “purchasing” the coolest gadgets and highest-quality chow!
Rise Up
Keep a balloon from running into obstacles as it makes its way toward what I can only assume is space. This game is challenging, but in a way that you really don’t care if you win or lose so there’s no pressure. Instead, it’s just mind-numbingly calming.
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